The week that has been

What a strange week this has been. A week full of happiness, reassurances, reliving hurt burried very deep, uncertainty, helplessness, self-doubt, disappointment, excitement, relief. I don't even know how to start putting all this into words. Let's try it like this.

1. Happiness & reassurances

On Monday night myself, Mr B and the kids had to attend a Golden Tee function. Golden Tee is a hobby of ours. It is a golf game and if you want to know more you can go here to have a look at what it is all about. This finished at about eight. Mr B and I decided to do something we haven't done in a very long time. We got the little ones settled and arranged a babysitter and we went out for supper. Just the two of us. He took me to the Ocean Basket which is obviously a seafood restaurant. We are both very fond of seafood and over a seafood platter and a bottle of wine, he thanked me for everything that I do for him. He also thanked me for putting up with his family who forms an integral part of our daily living. He was under the impression that I don't get anything in return from him but yet I continue to love and support him in whatever he is doing. He called me the perfect wife for him. No, it wasn't a proposal and no, we are not getting married. All he did, was reassure me that we have a future together. It also confirmed that he is happy with our relationship and we even set some goals for the future. We never get the opportunity to discuss such matters at home. Mainly because we are never alone.

2. Reliving hurt buried very deep

Two blogs really got to me this past week. The first was ekapa and the other was a post by Reluctant Nomad. Both posts dealt with depression and suicide. It took me back to a very dark period in my life that I have hidden for a long time. Some people who know me might know snippets about it, but in general, I went through it alone. Not recommended. You shouldn't go through something like that on your own. I will blog about it when I have more confidence, but I am not ready yet.

3. Uncertainty

I missed an appointment with my boss and due to family reasons couldn't attend a launch with him. He was very upset with me and told me that he has invested a lot of money in me and is not happy about what I did. Needless to say, I have a sword hanging over my head and I am waiting for the sharp pain that is bound to come.

4. Helplessness

A very good friend lost her father yesterday. She is a single mother with a boy of 2 and her father was her only living relative apart from a sister who lives in England. She is in total despair. Apart from being extremely hung over today, she is dealing with a big loss and I don't know how to help her. She is not a very strong person. When she left her fathers' bed in the hospital,, she went straight to a pub and got sloshed. I am scared that it will become a vicious circle and that she won't get out of it easily.

5. Self-doubt

I left a comment on a blog which I prefer to leave anonymous for now. I am afraid that it could be taken in the wrong context and then misunderstood. It is so easy to read a post, leave a comment and not think twice about it. But the minute I pressed the publish button, I was hit by a wave of panic. Am I really as aware of others' feelings as I think I am? Have I turned into a non-thinking blabbing idiot? Please don't answer that one. Do I even have a clue? What gives me the right in the first place? Be careful and thoughtful, that is my motto from now on.

6. Disappointment

I didn't get nominated for the blog awards. I only felt disappointed today when I looked at some of the blogs that did get nominated. Maybe next time or maybe not. I still enjoy blogging and I ain't stopping yet.

7. Excitement

I can't be all bad. I went to a client this week to assist with a Pastel problem and after spending 2 hours with him, he offered me a job. Seeing that I had to fix almost a whole year's worth of errors by his bookkeeper, he thought it appropriate for me to rather just do his books for him from now on. This could be a solution with the problem with my boss therefore, I am excited about the project. Just 5 more clients like this and I can justify a full time position here and a hefty increase.

8. Relief

A few posts back I wrote about a friend whom I have been missing desperately. She called me on Saturday. We must have been on the phone for over an hour. I even spoke to her new man. He promised me that he is taking care of her and that she is happy. She even has pictures of myself and my little ones up on the walls in the house. He agrees that we need to see each other. So, hopefully we will have the oppertunity to see each other later this year.

Some of you might have noticed that I haven't published anything since 15 Feb. Sole reason for that, is my posts keep vanishing into cyberspace. Maybe someone is trying to tell me to stop. I am not ready to listen to that someone yet. I have too much I still want to say. So, stay tuned if you like and continue on the journey with me. Yes, it is a journey of self discovery and I am learning more and more about myself each day.